CLICK PLAY TO SET THE MOOD
If I could use an ice cream flavor to explain how 2016 has been so far, I’d say Rocky Road. Which I am having as of this writing. How predictable am I?
That doesn’t need any more explanation, does it? Okay, maybe it does. To some, this might come off as surprising. But if you were once as conflicted and confused and sad like I was the past few months, I’m sure you will understand.
I had claimed 2016 to be my year, but three months into it and I’m feeling… dispirited. I feel like I’ve lost so much and there’s no way I could regain them. I was indeed busy with school and family, that’s why I took an unintentional leave from blogging. I left you all hanging for almost 2 months now, and I hope you know how truly sorry I am for that. I didn’t intend to leave like that, it’s just life. Life happened.
I was always the type to tell a friend my problems, but never the type to share on social media. So I’m afraid I’m only giving you bits of the story but not all the details! I hope that’s okay with you.
As mentioned above, I refrain from letting my problems out in the open, e.g. social media, and could appear as happy as the next morning’s sun. My friends didn’t take me and my problems seriously because they didn’t seem so big since I wasn’t posting about them on social media, and I believe they have problems on their own so I didn’t want to bother them. I was left to deal with my problems alone. It wasn’t that bad, I have my family to lean on. But I also needed a friend.
The problem was this: Two of my sisters were leaving home. One is going to Melbourne, Australia and the other to North Carolina, USA. For someone who has lived all her existence being with her sisters, it was the most painful thing ever.
I wanted to grab a book so I could escape from reality even just for a while, but between college and internship and thesis, it was impossible to squeeze in some reading, thus leaving me 5 books behind my reading challenge (!!!!!). I would always start the day early and end it late, so I take the opportunity to sleep during my rides to and from home. I would rely on coffee to keep me awake, would rely on McDonald’s and other fast food chains to keep my stomach full, ergo totally losing shape (if I ever had any to begin with). I spend so much time away from home probably more than I ever did in 2015! Because of too much stress, I had another of those acne break out episodes, leaving me feeling ugly and insecure and stressed even more than I already am!
As much as I wanted to spend more time with my sisters, I was stuck trying to fulfill my duties as a student. I was asking myself, “did it really have to come to this? Me having to prioritize school over my own family?”
I hated it so much. I hated school. I hated having responsibilities. I just couldn’t wait for it all to be over. I wanted it all to be over.
I started becoming even bitchier than my usual self. I became this other person I never intended to become. I started slacking, taking things (and maybe people, too) for granted, losing interest in studying and just life in general. I couldn’t bring myself to think of my future, crying to sleep just thinking about it. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. My words started to hit like daggers to some people who once called me “friend”, I hurt them so much as to lose them. I didn’t think I could ever forgive myself.
Writing all of this down really helped heaps on understanding myself. I feel better now. Thank the internet, it is now so much easier to communicate with people from across the globe! It’s kind of difficult to adjust, especially now that we have to shoulder all their chores ( 😡 ), but of course there exists a silver lining… like the clothes and make-up they left behind! ( 😉 ) HA.
My thoughts on my future is still a bit blurry, but I trust myself, and I believe I’ll come around soon.
The Rocky Road. Not only because of its literal definition, but also because you’d have to face two different obstacles: the nuts and the marshmallows. But if you trust yourself enough to…errr… eat them all, you’ll be fine! Did I mention CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM?!
Just a reminder: I hope you’d realise how important it is to write your thoughts down. I hope you always take time to understand and trust yourself. And most important of all, to forgive yourself.